Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
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I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.