tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”