What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Ghost costume 😂
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.