Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.