Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.