cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.