The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing