me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Social Media and Real life
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
there’s probably a fee though