Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*