Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
You Might Also Like
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers