[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.