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Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now