[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Everything reminds me of my ex
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
#DesignFail
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Green is just blue that someone peed in
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.