My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.