my proudest tweet
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me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
These aliens are taking forever.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick