BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy