If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.