Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You Might Also Like
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
And bowling should be called pinball
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Something Saturday.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.