*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
getting corrected
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.