When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I drew y’all a little something.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*