NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.