Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.