I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS