I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person