It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You Might Also Like
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver