flash mobs for serving divorce papers
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.