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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.