She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
life finds a way
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?