“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*