9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Whoa 😂
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”