Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
They must have gotten it to go.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
This why you should mind your business
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?