my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably