I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?