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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.