BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*sewing*
A thread
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Looking at you, Jesus.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.