Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Simple
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!