I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.