My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car