You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
went fishing caught a bass
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little