Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.