which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible