I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]