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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
my nickname in college
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.