In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.