Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
The three genders
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO