“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you