Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I just ran a .003048K
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.