[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
This line from Airplane.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism