if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
You Might Also Like
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Do not levitate over flowers
A completely valid reaction tbh
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.