I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”